What I learned through my pain
I have had a great life, an amazing life, a life filled with getting to know myself and peeling away at what was not me or mine to carry.
It is strange to start with this statement considering the topic that I am writing about. As I sit here wanting to write about my pain and all the hard lessons I have gone through and still going through, all I can see is how the pain and hardship have been a part of my journey. They have made me who I am.
I have had my share of lessons in life, my share of what most people call hardship and if I allow myself to think back on those times, I did not face these lessons with much confidence and enthusiasm. I have walked through my own personal internal fires that showed up in my life as external situations. I have faced mental and physical abuse, an ugly separation, the loss of a stepson, the loss of friends and family, more breakups than I can count, financial hardship to the point of personal bankruptcy, and this is to name a few.
What I have discovered about this pain that I went through is how it was a necessary part of my journey. How I would not be who I am today, had it not been for those situations being in my life.
Do I wish it was different? Of course. That is why I peeled away at those parts of myself that hurt, through these processes of change. Believe me, all of these journeys were a process of change. Sometimes they were external change but they were always internal changes. That allowed me to connect to myself and to know myself and peel away at those parts of me that were less than genuine.
Even writing about it feels strange. I have had so many people say to me how they have no idea how I got myself out of those places. I always answer that that is who I am, I could not live with myself if I did not allow myself to grow and become more and more myself. I compare that to a tree growing. The older the tree gets, the stronger it gets, it becomes more solid and more flexible but capable of facing much bigger circumstances. It doesn’t stop growing because it has lost a branch, or was hit by lightning. The tree becomes its pain and lets it transform its direction into this new situation.
As I sit here today, going through yet another difficult situation, I can honestly and genuinely say ‘thank you’. I wish I would learn how to be myself in easier ways but since this is the road I have chosen, I can chose to accept it and grow with it.
Every time I meet these life situations, I trust that I have everything I need inside of me to face them.
I’m not trying to come out of these situations looking like this well buffed hero, I’m looking to come out of them with a deeper knowing of myself, but this requires that I have more compassion, kindness, love and support for myself.
By being there for myself through these times, it allows me to be even better at who I am meant to be in this world.
I have had to stop judging myself through my process. I have had to learn to be patient with myself well beyond my mind’s capacity to wait. I have had to learn to recognize what I was going through so that I could take the time to see where I was wearing this problem in my body. I have had to learn to release the control because I could not make it work and find a solution. I had to accept that the solution was not at all what I had envisioned.
I have learned that I am always there for myself even when I’ve been a bit worn, scraped and bruised by the situation. All of these transformations have allowed me to up level my surroundings. I have kept aiming for that one step higher, for that one step farther, for the ‘thing’ that would allow me to grow, for that space of growth, for that ‘possibility’ and I am still discovering what I am capable of. And loving it.
By accepting my life’s journey as my own, I have accepted that I must be genuinely myself in my life to be able to grow into my own possibilities.
This is my journey.
This is what I have learned through my pain.
If you are ready to connect with yourself on a deeper level and learn to transform your pain into a life growing experience, I offer VIP days in which we take the time to look at your situation and help you find yourself and reconnect with your life passion. You can contact me at Nicole@ nicolelevac.com to register.